Christmas...

Most Americans look forward to Christmas every year - for various reason. Most I think have to do with time off from whatever your vocation is - a change in routine, time spent with family and friends, the warmth of affection given and received.

As Believers in Jesus, we try to focus on His birth as the reason for the season, but I suspect that many of us get caught up in the fruit of His birth and don't focus as much as Him as we would prefer. Shopping, cooking, going, coming, eating and doing become the daily activity and sitting gets pushed aside for a season.

That brings me to the name of this blog, "The Life After....". What does that mean? Well, let's look at our lives.

We are born - so we go through a transition of "the life after...the womb". A huge adjustment as we learn to eat, breath and survive on our own - with a helping hand from our caregivers.

We grow and start school, so then we have a transition from pre-school to school life. A whole new regimen takes form in us that will then follow up - except for school breaks - for the next 12+ years. We go through transitions from elementary to middle and from middle to high school. These are significant in our growth as a human being - learning to be more independent along the way.

We finish high school and in today's society, most of us then go on to college or technical school for fine tuning of our chosen vocation....so we go through a period of transition from high school to college.

As we grow and change, so does the world around us. We grow older and so does our family and friends - all along the way we develop new relationships and lose track of older ones. As our relationships deepen we long for that one relationship that will be ours - with the greatest hope and expectation that it will endure the test of time and emotions and be "ours" until we die.

As we grow and mature we take on "mantels" that define for the world who we are - kindergartener, 5th grader, junior, senior, young adult, student, soldier, college graduate, son, daughter, sister, brother - friend, wife, husband. It is truly a unique individual that is able to retain the truth of who they are, aside from all of this, in the midst of all of this.

Then, boom, out of the blue life changes. You fall in love, you get a divorce, you get a job or lose one - a parent or friend or sibling dies - or heaven forbid, a spouse or a child dies. These relationships make up the core of who we perceive ourselves to be. When one of the "plugs" at the bottom of our pot is removed, some of the dirt of who we are begins to be spilled out. A little here, a little there - sometimes it makes a mess and sometimes it's barely noticeable. However, the fact remains, the structure of who we are changes.

I find myself this Christmas season, reflecting more and more on the life after...the life after my children are grown and married with families of their own; the life after the passing of my spouse 1 1/2 years ago; the life after the passing of my mother 4 years ago, my father 21 years ago...seeking the answer to the eternal question "who am I?" and "where do I fit"?".

Don't get me wrong - this is not totally without merit. I believe that the Lord is trying to open my eyes to the world around me - not just in Africa and India, but right here in Marietta or Kennesaw, Georgia - the area where I travel the most - to see the pain, lonliness, and quiet suffering of others that remain silent...

So, I am making a plan now, that I hope to stay with, that will seek out the lonely and lost this year and make a place for them. A place that will include the warmth of family and traditions that bring comfort. The smell of a candle that reminds you of home, the cold crisp air that tells you that winter is here, the heat of a summer day and the scorching of feet on hot sand.

A place that I and others can say they fit - a place where many can come together and form a bond - so that at the end of the holiday day they can retreat to a place that is familiar and comfortable.

Jesus help me - I know this is from you and it is birthed in our longing for Eden. Help me to walk this out if it is Your will for such a place to be born on the earth prior to Your return.

A year gone by...

It's a strange place to be - this place called "widow-hood". A strange fitting garment that somehow fits - a new addition to the names and titles that I've had throughout my life.

When I was born I immediately became a daughter, granddaughter, a niece and a younger sister.

When my mother re-married, the word "step" was added, so then at the ripe old age of 2 I was a daughter, a sister, granddaughter, a niece, a step-granddaughter, and a step-daughter.

When I was 3 I became an aunt for the first time...

The year I turned 8, I became an older half-sister and all of a sudden instead of being the youngest I was almost a "middle". (I've often joked that because of the age differences between my siblings and I, that I am a "youngest" - brother and two sisters that are 8, 10, and 13 years older - "middle" - younger brother was born while older brother and one sister were still at home - "oldest" because my older brother and sisters were all out of the house by the time I was 9.)

Things stayed that way until 2 months after my 18th birthday when I became a "wife". Along with the "wife" title came some new ones - sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, niece-in-law...added to the lengthening list of titles...identities...roles

Then the best title of all - the one of mother! Followed over the next 10 years by two more that would call me Mama or Mom...

Alas, in the midst of it all, I became an ex-wife...another bumper sticker stuck to the frame of my life...

Very soon I became a wife again - this time along with the title of wife came step-mom and oh my goodness at the ripe old age of 28 years and 4 months I became a (step) grandma!

So, here I was at the age of 28 years and 4 months - wearing all of these labels:

Daughter
Step-daughter
Granddaughter
Step-granddaughter
Baby Sister
Older Half sister
Niece
Aunt
Step-niece
Mother
Step-mother
Sister-in-law
Aunt-in-law
Step-mom
Step-mother-in law
Step Grandma
oh yeah - and don't forget divorcee still stuck in there somewhere

Quite a lot of labels for one so young -

There were no more changes for a while - until my step grandma died - does that mean the glue for that label was no longer sticky? Perhaps...then my oldest sister died; then my grandma died; then my step-dad; somewhere along the way I think my dad died; then my mother.

All of a sudden I was the "matriarch" of my family. Another label - another title - this one carrying the full weight intended for someone with great wisdom - much greater than I have ever possessed.

Then, the biggest change of all occurred - my husband became ill and died.

Deep breath - at the age of 56 I found myself a widow.

The weight of the label was at first too heavy to bear. I found myself bent over under the weight of it...desperately fighting for air - just swimming hard enough to keep my nose above the water - breathing deeply - treading water - trying to figure it all out.

We seem to be so good at finding our comfortable places - the crook of an arm, a comfortable chair, a nice breeze, a steady rain, an incredible sunrise, a breath taking sunset - and in the midst of these comfortable places we establish our identity.

When all of this is stripped away, however, who are we really? How many of us took time in our youth to have dreams and visions? How many of us took time to discover who we were before we took on additional identities? The younger generation - the 20-30 somethings of today - have done a much better job of it than the 50-60 somethings of my generation. Not many of us thought about what we wanted out of life - we just let one day flow into the next until one day we woke up and were much older than we remembered being with bodies that don't quite cooperate as well this year as they did last year...

So, it has been a little over a year now since I became a widow. In retrospect, it has been quite a year...

Jesus wooed me to Song of Songs for the 1st 6 months of widowhood - a personal reading, over and over of 8 precious chapters that sing a love song to any that will listen. From there I participated in a group study of the same Song of Songs...do I feel like I know it? No...to coin a phrase, I've only begun to scratch the surface.

In the midst of that first year after my husband died there were a whole new batch of 1st's to experience. Most of them were very painful. However, they were endured and now I am way past that. Well into the second year of singleness...

Jesus continues to woo me - continues to draw me to a deeper level of intimacy with Him. The One that will never leave me - never disappoint me - who is with me everywhere I go (even to India!) holding my hand and leading me.

Do I know who I am today? Partly - I know that Jesus calls me His Beloved; God calls me His daughter. That's enough....

This isn't finished...the path that I'm on will only be finished when I pass from this life to the next one or when Jesus returns - whichever comes first - however, it feels like it needs to be posted.

I pray for whoever trips across it that needs to read what has been written here that you will be encouraged in your time of need.