A year gone by...

It's a strange place to be - this place called "widow-hood". A strange fitting garment that somehow fits - a new addition to the names and titles that I've had throughout my life.

When I was born I immediately became a daughter, granddaughter, a niece and a younger sister.

When my mother re-married, the word "step" was added, so then at the ripe old age of 2 I was a daughter, a sister, granddaughter, a niece, a step-granddaughter, and a step-daughter.

When I was 3 I became an aunt for the first time...

The year I turned 8, I became an older half-sister and all of a sudden instead of being the youngest I was almost a "middle". (I've often joked that because of the age differences between my siblings and I, that I am a "youngest" - brother and two sisters that are 8, 10, and 13 years older - "middle" - younger brother was born while older brother and one sister were still at home - "oldest" because my older brother and sisters were all out of the house by the time I was 9.)

Things stayed that way until 2 months after my 18th birthday when I became a "wife". Along with the "wife" title came some new ones - sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, niece-in-law...added to the lengthening list of titles...identities...roles

Then the best title of all - the one of mother! Followed over the next 10 years by two more that would call me Mama or Mom...

Alas, in the midst of it all, I became an ex-wife...another bumper sticker stuck to the frame of my life...

Very soon I became a wife again - this time along with the title of wife came step-mom and oh my goodness at the ripe old age of 28 years and 4 months I became a (step) grandma!

So, here I was at the age of 28 years and 4 months - wearing all of these labels:

Daughter
Step-daughter
Granddaughter
Step-granddaughter
Baby Sister
Older Half sister
Niece
Aunt
Step-niece
Mother
Step-mother
Sister-in-law
Aunt-in-law
Step-mom
Step-mother-in law
Step Grandma
oh yeah - and don't forget divorcee still stuck in there somewhere

Quite a lot of labels for one so young -

There were no more changes for a while - until my step grandma died - does that mean the glue for that label was no longer sticky? Perhaps...then my oldest sister died; then my grandma died; then my step-dad; somewhere along the way I think my dad died; then my mother.

All of a sudden I was the "matriarch" of my family. Another label - another title - this one carrying the full weight intended for someone with great wisdom - much greater than I have ever possessed.

Then, the biggest change of all occurred - my husband became ill and died.

Deep breath - at the age of 56 I found myself a widow.

The weight of the label was at first too heavy to bear. I found myself bent over under the weight of it...desperately fighting for air - just swimming hard enough to keep my nose above the water - breathing deeply - treading water - trying to figure it all out.

We seem to be so good at finding our comfortable places - the crook of an arm, a comfortable chair, a nice breeze, a steady rain, an incredible sunrise, a breath taking sunset - and in the midst of these comfortable places we establish our identity.

When all of this is stripped away, however, who are we really? How many of us took time in our youth to have dreams and visions? How many of us took time to discover who we were before we took on additional identities? The younger generation - the 20-30 somethings of today - have done a much better job of it than the 50-60 somethings of my generation. Not many of us thought about what we wanted out of life - we just let one day flow into the next until one day we woke up and were much older than we remembered being with bodies that don't quite cooperate as well this year as they did last year...

So, it has been a little over a year now since I became a widow. In retrospect, it has been quite a year...

Jesus wooed me to Song of Songs for the 1st 6 months of widowhood - a personal reading, over and over of 8 precious chapters that sing a love song to any that will listen. From there I participated in a group study of the same Song of Songs...do I feel like I know it? No...to coin a phrase, I've only begun to scratch the surface.

In the midst of that first year after my husband died there were a whole new batch of 1st's to experience. Most of them were very painful. However, they were endured and now I am way past that. Well into the second year of singleness...

Jesus continues to woo me - continues to draw me to a deeper level of intimacy with Him. The One that will never leave me - never disappoint me - who is with me everywhere I go (even to India!) holding my hand and leading me.

Do I know who I am today? Partly - I know that Jesus calls me His Beloved; God calls me His daughter. That's enough....

This isn't finished...the path that I'm on will only be finished when I pass from this life to the next one or when Jesus returns - whichever comes first - however, it feels like it needs to be posted.

I pray for whoever trips across it that needs to read what has been written here that you will be encouraged in your time of need.